就只想这样

有时参加好多好多的活动，

以为自己很清楚自己在做什么。

原来并不是如此。

做的越多，有时会觉得更迷失了自己。

我到底在干什么呀？

--------------

有时遇到好的激励，

就振作了起来。

过了一会儿，

又再回到原点了。

-----------------

好像有好多的无奈，

但又不想，也不能做些什么的。

就好像在站在无时无刻繁忙路中间一样。

想越过又难，想倒退也不容易。

看到有人越过了，自己也想越过去了。

但就是犹豫不决，何时越过才是最安全的。

看到有人倒退了，自己又觉得不甘心。

一倒退，不就白费心机了吗？

能不能就原地不动？

不用伤脑筋啊？

--------------

有时想想，

能够就只是这样，也是一种福气！

不想管他人说这是不长进，这是不负责任的态度！

就只想这样，

难道这也不可以吗？

这样也错了吗？

人老了（1）

人老了。

真的需要特别的关怀，关爱。

需要常常的慰问，需要用肢体语言表达的关爱。

如果无法常常有谈天的对象，

那简直是人间地狱的折磨呀！

人老了。

身上责任的担子开始变轻了。

心灵需要的滋润开始变得越来越严重的缺乏了。

好痛苦啊！

难道人老了，

就一定要这么心灵空虚吗？

就只要那么一点点的关爱，也这么难吗？

那我这一生活着又是为了什么啊？

-------------------------

原来，需要是可以那么折磨着人的精神。

如果不曾往自己内心去探索痛苦的原因，

那会更痛苦，更难熬！

无常。死亡。

Michael Jackson过世了。

有何感想呢？

-----------------

今早，同事告诉我：

“你知道吗？早上六点多，那位物理老师已经过世了。。。”

这怎么可能？

昨天，还看到她到处走来走去的，而且还不用拐杖呢！

去年，她才刚动完心脏手术，已经平安无事了阿。

最初的时候，她还需要用拐杖慢慢的一步一步的走。

现在的她可算是健步如飞了呢！

就在最预想不到的时候，

她就坐在沙发上静悄悄的离开人世了。。。

---------------------

我们都去看她最后一面。

在朋友及同事们的帮忙下，她安然的躺着。

她的朋友兼上师，虽然很伤心，但也很坚强的帮她安排后事。

而我，静静的闭上眼睛：

“愿你安乐。愿你好好的走。

你的家人，朋友们会好好的照顾自己的。

放心，安心的走吧。。。愿你回到上苍的身边”

这是我第二次，到穆斯林朋友的丧礼。

直到了下午，我才知道Michael Jackson过世了。。。

--------------------

昨晚，法师告诉我们：

不要哭，要以平静的心情，祝福过世的人安心的，快乐的离开。。。

要想想过世的人觉得最舒适的丧礼的心情。

我还以为事不关己，怎么知道还不到二十四小时，

我就身在同事的丧礼了。。。

没有感叹，只有平静，只有真诚的祝福。。。

--------------------

觉得惋惜的是，我原本有机会在她过世前一天，跟她笑一笑的。。。

但她没有察觉到我，我也没有再主动地向她打招呼。。。

--------------------

愿你，走好了。。。

17 Again

It's been sometime that I haven't watch any movie because non of them really can attract me.

However, today a group of friends suggested to watch "17 again".

So, ok lah! Once in a blue moon.

He told us by watching this movie, aunties will become 17 again!

Hahahaha!

I was thinking, 'If I'm 17 again, what would I like to change?'

Answer:

'Getting off all those extra fats which makes me low self-esteem!'

'Maybe I'll have more admirer if I were slim.'

'I could have joined more activities without being getting tired so easily and eventually gave up!'

But wait a minute,

if I were to change my past,

would I be what I am today?

A much happier person, getting more contented with life,

know my life's direction clearly, much more confident and determined, met and have great and good friends......

Answer:

'I'm not sure!'

But for sure,

I'm really happy with what I am and what I have now!

Question: What will you do if you were 17 again?

My Answer: I will not change anything as it was for that the past was the one that had prepared me for what I am today!

-------------

After watching the movie '17 again',

I'm very happy that I did watch it because it's funny and very touching as well although there were no special visual effects!

And by thinking about the question and answer, I knew that I'm a much grateful person today than before!

珍贵

有个毕业了的学生回来了，打电话问我在哪里。

这么巧，我就正在教书着，无法马上与他见面！

要等上一个小时，才可以回去办公室呢！

过了半小时，他传了个简讯给我，告诉我他得先走了。

见不到他，无法跟他聊上几句，我好失落哦！

--------------------------------

隔天，我突然间又想起他了。

感觉也还是好失落。。。

这时，我突然想起了书中的一段：

"not seeing those that are dear and seeing those that are not dear,

are both painful."

"Hence hold nothing dear,

for separation from those that are dear is painful;

bonds do not exist for those to whom nothing is dear or not dear."

From Dhammapada verse 210 and 211

----------------------------

因为我很疼这学生，又很能聊得来，

所以我失落了。。。

福气啦！

洗啊，搓啊。

糟糕，搓到破了一个洞！

哎呀！竟然等到最后一个步骤才来功亏一篑！

我可用水浸泡了一个月呢！真不甘心！

后来，我看到义卖菩提叶书签的摊子。

原来，那些菩提叶也并不是完美无缺的！

而且还写了不同鼓励的句子。

其中一句：This too will pass.

(我已经把它送给了朋友的孩子)

所以我决定了！

虽然不完美，但重新包装，又可以用了！

真是福气啦！

其实我是看见朋友收集菩提叶了以后，才随后拾起了菩提叶。

回家了以后就开始制作菩提叶书签了。

由于不曾做过菩提叶书签，又没开口问朋友, 所以就选择了不是最合适的菩提叶。

但经过一番了体会，才不至于很懊恼选择了不是最合适的菩提叶。。。

你可品尝过？

到了山顶，也是到达了目的地。

在这里，有一场forum. 题目是“hapiness".

起初的时候，我并不是真正的happy.

因为下雨天，待会要下山时，一定会加倍吃力的。

唉！

当forum开始进行时，还是有点心不在焉的。

到了一半，那些问题开始吸引我了。

“如果我被老板骂，我一整天的心情都会很差。（后面的还说何止一天，我还整个星期呢！）”

“如果我跟某某人的关系不好，我就会很不开心。”

“那我们该怎么做才会快乐呢？”

答：

“You let your hapiness rely on others. Or you can say that you place your hapiness on others."

"You can note that you are not happy. And then continue (move on) with your journey."

"In the end, you'll find that you are the one who choose to rely on yourself to be happy or you choose to rely on others to be happy."

过后，还有很多down to earth ，很老实，真实的例子和问题。

就这样不知不觉地过了整个早上了。

要下山时，我还有点舍不得呢！

到了山脚下，我朋友问我：

“今天算是星期几，又不像工作天，又不像平时星期六，星期日的行程。今天到底像是星期几啊？”

“我也不知道也。这可是我第一次不查看几点了。”

这可是我第一次品尝时间停止了（没有时间了？）

感觉真美妙！

一定要带奶奶去吃午餐了

其实，心里想带奶奶去吃饭已经蛮久了。

但老是把优先权让给其他的事。

就这样把这件事延迟了两三个星期，也许还不止呢！

终于，我下定决心一定要带奶奶去吃午餐了。

奶奶想吃点心，那就带她去吃点心。

奶奶说了好多话，仿佛心里受了很多委屈。

我唯有耐心的聆听，然后就答：哦，是吗？

过后呢，我就把我所听的和学到的道理啦，故事啦慢慢的讲给她听。

奶奶听了以后，脸也渐渐的露出笑容了。

奶奶问我怎么会知道这么多有趣的故事，因为以前我都不曾讲故事的。

（我也只是向我的奶奶叙述我的工作上的委屈啦，不满啦！）

我告诉奶奶，我有空的话就会去讲座会。也因为这样才学到很多的事啊！

就这样过了三个小时。

奶奶对我说：“今天，我很happy!"

-----------------------

希望我以后也能常常把欢乐带给我身边的人。

而不是老是把优先权让给其他的事了！

Fear of Loss

I would like to share that my students who were in loved likes a saying which sound like this,
"In a relationship, it's not about you have your way and I've mine own way,
it's about TWO BECOME ONE!"
------------------------------------
Seeing a long term relationship might blossom.
However, I didn't want to immediately started it because of past experience.
I decided to apply, "Stop & Stare" for a while.

At the same time, I ask myself these questions:

"What are the purposes of having this relationship?"
"Why do I want it?"
"What are the possible outcomes?"

Thinking these questions, and trying to answering these question:

"The purpose is to have someone to support me,
agree with me,
accompany me,
care for me,
make my life not lonely as seen by others,
it's a way of life chosen by the majority and therefore I should follow it."

"Because I want to feel secure,
I don't want to feel lonely as describe by others if I remain single,
I want to be in the lifestyle as what the majority has acknowledge and agreed to,
I want to have hapiness given and shared together by my partner,
I want to be loved and to love."

"Happily ever after as in the fairy tales (haven't see it with my eyes yet).
Happy in the end although there are some difficulties & obstacles with disappoinment, anger, sadness along the journey.
Be apart from each other because of natural death or accident which brings sadness.
Be apart from each other as opinion and lifestyle are becoming more intolerable which bring disappoinment and anger.
Be apart from each other because extended relationship which violate the agreement and thus bring sadness and anger to both parties.
Living in joy because of support and care from each other.
Living in satisfaction because demands are fulfilled and can have more demands.
Living in worries because afraid of separation.
Living in dissactisfaction because more requirement are not being able to be fulfilled.
Living in doubts because suspecting he/she might cheat on me.
And the list goes on..."

But no matter what are the outcomes, LIFE STILL GOES ON!

Just after week after I answered these questions,
feelings toward him was gone.
And so was his feeling toward me.
Thus, feelings are impermanent.

Anyway, I really felt so relieved when he cancelled the date at that moment!

Grief springs from AFFECTION

"From affection springs grief,

from affection springs fear;

for him who is wholly free from affection there is no grief,

much less fear."

Dhammapada 213

I know why I'm relieved.
And I'm glad I stop and stare for a while.
If not, I would really feel hurt.

I'm not fear of being loved and to love.
I'm fear of LOSS.

HOLD NOTHING DEAR

"Hence hold nothing dear,

for separation from those that are dear is painful;

bonds do not exist for those to whom nothing is dear or not dear."

Dhammapada 211

I couldn't say and couldn't admit that I'm wholly free from affection and attachment.

However, I could understand the sense of being freed from affection in order not to feel let down by someone.

Maybe that someone who is really meant for me has not turn up yet! (from my previous karma, haha!)

Carving on the rock, ground and water

I thought I was carving on the water.
However, when I was angry today, suddenly I realize there were some big rocks behind the person that I was angry at.
I looked at the rock.
And I knew that I'm still carving on a rock......

"Three Types of Anger"
There are three types of people in the world.
What three?

One who is like carving on a rock,
one who is like scratching on the ground and
one who is like writing on the water.

What sort of person is like carving on the rock?
Imagine a certain person who is always getting angry
and his anger lasts long, just as carving on a rock is
not soon worn off by wind, water or lapse of time.

What sort of person is like scratching on the ground?
Imagine a certain person who is always getting angry but his anger
does not last long, just as scratching on the ground is
soon worn off by wind, water and lapse of time.

And what sort of person is like writing on the water?
Imagine a certain person who, even though spoken to harshly,
sharply, roughly, is easily reconciled and becomes agreeable
and friendly, just as writing on the water soon disappears.

[from Essentials Teachings of the Buddha]

What type of person are you?

Oh, I never thought I would answer...

Student: Teacher, I'm so worried. I can't concentrate on my studies because there are just too much to revise for the final exam. Will the final exam be easy or difficult?

Teacher: Well, it can be easy. It can be difficult. However, there's only one thing you can do about it.

Student: That is ...?

Teacher: Just answer it! No matter easy or difficult questions, all you can do is just to answer it. So why do you need to worry about the questions?

Student: There's one more. I love my life here. Time pass by so fast. I just couldn't imagine that I'm going to leave my friends so soon! I will miss them so much! How am I going to face it?

Teacher: Will all the relationship remain permanent?

Student: No.

Teacher: Will you get upset over something that is not permanent?

Student: No.

Teacher: So do you still have to worry about your relationship with your friends?

Student: Oh, my! I never thought I would give you that answer! Thank you, teacher!

(Suddenly, I see a sign of relief from the student's expression)

是时候了(1)

其实，无论什么是感觉，感情都好，

这些都只不过是在脑海里不停播放的画面而已。



当我的脑，不再播放这些画面的时候，

当初的感觉是怎样的，

当初我们之间是什么感情，

我都不清楚了，我也无法具体的记得了。



我能记住的，

只不过是一些画面，

只不过是一些我曾经用言语说出来的感受而已。

那些我没用言语表达出来的感觉，我真的无法体会到了。。。



当时真正的感受，真的是不复存在了!



有位法师曾说过，重生，其实不是指下一世我们投胎为人的时候才叫重生。

当我们活在这一秒的时候，

过去一秒的我们已经是不存在了。

因为过去一秒我们想的东西，都跟这一秒想的是不一样了。

所以我们时时刻刻都在重生!

什么情啊，爱啊，恨啊，都随着过去的一秒而不复存在了，

除非，你要你的脑海里继续的播放这些画面。

要不然，其实这一切都是空的。

全部都是因为我们的脑在作祟!



那，你要快乐，解脱，或是继续在苦海里轮回着，

就只能靠你自己怎么想了。。。



我既然能明白全都是我的脑在作祟，

那我为什么还不选择解脱，而脱离苦海呢?



我想，这是因为我还是"贪"心的!

我"贪"，

我想感受到别人所说的快感，甜蜜，快乐!

我想要让别人知道我也曾经拥有过这个，那个的!

我想要荣耀和成就感!



我不"贪"的，

就是跟以上相反的。

但我也很清楚的知道，我不"贪"的，就是我所要"贪"的必备条件!

哈哈!



我其实是知道我该要怎么做的，

只是我还在眷恋着。。。







____________________________



我，决定要解脱，不拖累别人，也不让自己继续沉迷在人间游戏里了。



能下定决心，能有勇气，拥有智慧叫自己清醒，

或许是一件会很让自己决得很不舍的事，

但我相信，我也知道，

换回来的不会是遗憾。

9/8/08

No time to write?

每次都有想把很有感触的事给写下来。
但最近只是在忙功课，
都很少有时间可以真正的静下来的欣赏一篇文章了。

很想把每一个不同的造型给拍下来，把特别的风景给拍下来，
但都无法一一做得到。。。
（也是因为我懒得带相机出门，又担心会被偷，哈哈！）

---------------
无意间浏览了以前的数码照片，看到了很土的自己。
笑一笑，就关掉了。
也没继续看看其他的照片了。。。

我曾经因为没backup copy，而失去了好多和小瓜门拍的照片。
那时真得很气自己怎么那么疏忽！
已经于事无补了。。。只好安慰自己：
有没有照片或是文字的纪录，我都已拥有过最美好的时刻了。
---------------

今早读到一篇短文（摘自光明日报）：
“即使留得了影像，却错过了那只能用心眼看的禅境，日后再挤不出那份感动来把光因反诌了。。。许多事只能感受一次，重温无门，。。。请聚精会神去体会吧！”（渣估）

曾经因为想拍烟花，而拚命的在按钮！
当时只想：希望拍出好照片！
然后看到拍到黑黑的一片时，就在那“哎哟。。。怎么又这样！“
烟花到底美不美，我已经不知道了。。。
那时的脑子里只充满了欲望。。。

我还是会继续拍，继续写。
但我会学着不要太过于执著了吧。。。
Be here now!

Do you know where your home is?

He used to be so independent.
He didn't really like mind so much about what I'll be doing.
And he supported me always!

Lately, after he stopped working, he started to ask lots of questions.
Asking me not to do this, not to do that.
He started to become someone I've never knew before!

Sometimes, I feel like telling him to stop minding my business!
But it would be so rude to do that, because he is my father...

It became clear to me, that a home to my father - is a place where all the family members must be present and communicate always.
Without the family members, one will feel insecure, lonely, restless, etc...
My father once told me that luckily I'm still staying in this house because I brought a lot of voice in the house ( I'm very talkative, and I talk aloud)! haha!

This does not only happen to me, it also happens to my friend too!
My friend is the only child and is working in oversea!
The mum always asking the child when will come back to hometown to work again? (each time through the phone)
---------------------------------

I can't help to think, if one day, I were to get married, to get a child, to get old, will this happen to me as well?
Feeling insecure, restless, lonely...
Waiting for my families to bring me cheer and hapiness?
---------------------------------
When there is no one beside you for some time, especially during festive seasons, how would you feel?

Feeling lonely?
Feeling insecure?

Thinking of something to do?
Thinking of somewhere to go?
Thinking of someone to talk to?

Or might be feeling very restless, pity, upset...

Is it where you are staying now, a place called house or home, is really a home to your heart?

Happy and peaceful eventhough there is no one around to bring hapiness to you?

---------------------------------

I'm starting to search for the home in my heart.
And I know where is my home.
---------------------------------

During this Chinese New Year 2009,
May all be able to find a home for the heart!

May all be well, peaceful and happy!

The inner peace...I think I found it...

During the meditation retreat,

there is no where else I can go to visit, of course, except for the main shrine hall and bodhi tree. And we should not be talking to anyone during this meditation retreat.

That's tough for me who do the talking all day long for all these years!



When there is no one to talk to, I talk to myself.

I notice how my mind think.

When I saw a lot of food, I started to think I want to eat this and eat that even before I began to put any food in my mouth!

Now, I can really see how greedy I am!



No wonder why we need to keep noble silence! haha!



When I meditate, I tried to let go of my work, my worries, my planning and etc...

It's not easy to just stop thinking of them even for 5 minutes!

But when I finally calm down, I felt really peaceful and relax!

When I finished my sitting meditation, at the moment I opened up my eyes, my mind and body felt so relax! (just about 30 minutes, I guess)

It's just about being free from thinking!



Now, I started to recall back, if I'm travelling, the experience is either exciting or boring depending on the outside world!

If its just buildings, food or whatever I'm not interested in, I will feel boring and disappointed because THEY didn't make me happy!

If the activities are interesting and fun to me, I will feel excited because THEY make me happy!

And when it's the last day, I will feel so relieve because I can go home to my bed!



During the meditation retreat, after the talk by Ajahn, we, on our own, will be either closing our eyes doing sitting meditation, or doing standing or walking meditation in the SAME environment at EVERYTIME! It's not just one hour, it's for a few days! We just watch our breath going in and out. That's all! No need to do any thinking!



How to get excitement? It's boring!

But I just wish that the retreat could be longer!



At the end of the retreat, I found that I'm happy and peaceful, because I found the inner peace within myself.

It's not any happiness or peaceful moment that I have that is provided by OTHERS!

It's my mind! When my mind at least free from all those thinking at the present moment!

I can't do anything that I'm thinking when I wasn't able to do it! So why do I need to think about it and worried about it?

I can't do anything about the future because it has not yet happend! So why do I need to think about it and worried about it?



And I finally knew that peaceful moment is to be found within oneself, it's not provided or affected by others!



Ah, peaceful at last!

--------------------------------------------

When I went to my class, my friend thought I just came from my home! She said I must be energized because I've got to rest in my home before I come to class!

I told her, actually I was coming to this class right away after the meditation retreat! And she looked so surprised!

My parents and my brother said I look happy and my face is glowing!



Well, Ajahn Brahm said we will defintely looked different after we finished the meditation retreat! Ajahn is telling the truth!



Next meditation retreat...

My 2008 aspiration...

1) I want to join voluntary organization, and become a volunteer to help in blood and organ donation campaign---realized.

2) I hoped that one day, one or some of the students will be going to help the needy after I shared my experience and brought them to the handicapped centre --- one student who graduated last semester called me up from Kelantan for futher details because he and his society members wanted to visit the handicapped centre---realized.

3) My small time dream: to futher my studies in a local university --- realized.

4) I was always thinking why some people never use that opportunity to share experience to help them to find their home one day --- this year, thanks to a boy's idea, I helped him. Although I don't know how's the effect yet, but I have faith and confidence that in the future, it will happen! --- realized.

5) After the talk given by Ajahn Brahmavamso (http://www.bswa.org/) in the year end 2007, I was so inspired and determined to go for a meditation retreat by Ajahn Brahmavamso! I started learning meditation from my teacher and finally attended the meditation retreat by Ajahn Brahmavamso! It was a great realization! --- realized.

I found that if I were to make aspiration for a good cause, it will happened eventually! And I'm glad that I did make all these aspiration!

Year 2009 aspiration? I've already made some of it in year 2008, just wait and see when will all of them be realized!!!

I wish all of you:
Happy Year 2009
and happy dreams will come true!

牵着孩子的手

在讲座会的时候，小孩子开始闹了。
当妈妈的怪不好意思的，于是就带她的小孩子出去走走了。
我看着妈妈很有耐心的牵着自己小孩子的手，来来回回走了好几趟。
看着他们的背影，觉得真的好温馨哦！

-------------------------

隔天， 讲座会还没开始之前，七十九岁的主讲者（女法师）牵着一位女士的手，
走向了菩提树。

看着他们的背影，我也感觉好温馨哦，就像那妈妈牵着自己的孩子一样。
------------------------
不知何时，我也能像法师这样呢？

The new beginning

"Well, I really hope that I can pass the exam this time."

I asked,'Why do you have to worry? If you have put in your effort, you will pass your exam'
Just remember, no matter what happened, it's not the end. Don't worry.'

This happened few days ago.

----------------------------------

'I didn't pass the exam! I must leave immediately...'
All his friends were so sad. My heart break too.
If I didn't know him lately, I didn't know that he's talented in singing and acting.
He could be so funny.

I wasn't prepare for this too...

He really looked so sad.

Looking at him and his friends, all I could ever do was just to say,
'You never knew what life is waiting for you in the future. There are many path that you can choose from now on. Remember, this is not the end. It just a beginning. Your new journey has just begun!'

After given him some real life examples,
slowly, he began to look no so upset.
And a little smile (although it was still a sad smile) appeared on his face.

达成心愿（5〕。。。 （完之想不到的惊喜〕

“我记得你曾经带学生去参观慈善机构。
我和我朋友们也即将去参观慈善机构了。
老师，你可以告诉我要怎么做吗？”

我当然很乐意的告诉他，也分享我的经验啦！

真想不到，一个简单的分享，也可以帮到我的小瓜。。。

大约在半年前，我带了我的小瓜们去参观某慈善机构。
由于能带的人数有限，参观完后，我就和其他班级的小瓜们分享我们的经验。

如今，那班小瓜都毕业了！ （应该有半年了吧〕

－－－－－－－－－－－－－
当时接完这通电话的时候，心里有种说不出的喜悦！
真的达成心愿了也！
他的一通电话，也鼓励了我“做就对了”的行动力了！

谢谢你！感恩你！

做好事，分享好事真的是不分种族的！

达成心愿(5)。。。(完)

一点点的做

终于放假了。

难得有晴天的早晨，我就去植物园散步散步啦。。。

空气依然清新，一点儿也没变。

走到了我最喜欢的荷花池，
天啊！

怎么一朵荷花都没有！
池塘表面还被不知什么水根植物给填满了呢！！！

真是有点失望！

有一对夫妇，拿起了长长的树枝，慢慢的将那些植物给捞上来了。
旁人都说捞不完的，就算今天捞了起来，明天还是一样会生起来的。。。
这对夫妇都说：“能做多少就做多少吧！”

隔天，我又来到了荷花池了。
果然没错，池塘表面还是被水根植物给填满了！！！
大自然的力量果然很强也！
有捞等于没捞！

这次我看到一个六七十岁的老伯，拿着树枝慢慢的捞呀捞呀！
旁人也劝老伯别浪费气力去捞了！
老伯说：“能做多少就做多少吧！要不然连一点水面都看不着了。。。”
我又看到了昨天那对夫妇，也走了过来，跟老伯一起慢慢的，很有耐心的捞呀捞呀。。。

很无奈的，虽然是一个小小的池塘，但面积也不小。
他们都无法把每个角落的草给捞起来。。。

要等到哪一天，我才能够再度看到出于泥而不染的荷花呢？
－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－

其实我也有捞，只是等他们走了，我才捞。。。
我捞掉就快要掩盖有荷叶周围的水草。。。
看到那些水草长得那么快，就知道徒劳无功了。。。
治标不治本。。。

心里面要是有杂草，真的要马上把他们给连根拔起！
如果让他们慢慢的蔓延的话，就会象那荷花池了！！！

如果真的已经蔓延了，就要向那对夫妇和老伯学习，
一点点的把心里的杂草给除掉。

就算无法拔完，至少还有一些地方是可以让荷花再慢慢的长出来的。。。