Know

The more I know, the more I don't know.

---------------

You are xx years old liao!

Yeah, I am. Life starts at xx years old.

I've never really knew what I was doing before xx years old.

Now, I know that I don't know what's going to happen in the future.

However, I know what I am doing now better than years ago.

You are not in my shoes

简单的一句“You are not in my shoes”，

就可以喝酒伤身吗？

然后令让真正关心你的人更难过吗？

穿什么鞋，都是自己选择的。

什么鞋有什么用途，穿了会怎样，老早就知道了。

一，穿了可能不合适自己的鞋，却要坚持穿下去，希望穿到合适为止。

但几时才会合适，不知道。

等待的当儿，是痛苦的。。

二，明知不合适的鞋，还是要试着穿，结果受伤了。

包上了贴布，赤裸着脚，在踩着伤口的当儿，告诉你：我受伤了。

你是不会明白的。。。

三，穿上了合适的鞋，没有不舒适，也没觉得有什么特别的。

穿坏了以后，才觉得合适的鞋原来是那么难找的。

四，穿上了合适又舒服的鞋，真的是超开心的！

希望一辈子都可以穿着它。

无奈的是，无论怎么好好的照顾鞋子，总有一天是会坏的。

那一天，也同样告诉你：我受伤了。

你是不会明白的。。。

有没有一双真的永远会让人穿得开心的鞋子存在呢？

其实老早就知道答案了。

人老了（1）

人老了。

真的需要特别的关怀，关爱。

需要常常的慰问，需要用肢体语言表达的关爱。

如果无法常常有谈天的对象，

那简直是人间地狱的折磨呀！

人老了。

身上责任的担子开始变轻了。

心灵需要的滋润开始变得越来越严重的缺乏了。

好痛苦啊！

难道人老了，

就一定要这么心灵空虚吗？

就只要那么一点点的关爱，也这么难吗？

那我这一生活着又是为了什么啊？

-------------------------

原来，需要是可以那么折磨着人的精神。

如果不曾往自己内心去探索痛苦的原因，

那会更痛苦，更难熬！

17 Again

It's been sometime that I haven't watch any movie because non of them really can attract me.

However, today a group of friends suggested to watch "17 again".

So, ok lah! Once in a blue moon.

He told us by watching this movie, aunties will become 17 again!

Hahahaha!

I was thinking, 'If I'm 17 again, what would I like to change?'

Answer:

'Getting off all those extra fats which makes me low self-esteem!'

'Maybe I'll have more admirer if I were slim.'

'I could have joined more activities without being getting tired so easily and eventually gave up!'

But wait a minute,

if I were to change my past,

would I be what I am today?

A much happier person, getting more contented with life,

know my life's direction clearly, much more confident and determined, met and have great and good friends......

Answer:

'I'm not sure!'

But for sure,

I'm really happy with what I am and what I have now!

Question: What will you do if you were 17 again?

My Answer: I will not change anything as it was for that the past was the one that had prepared me for what I am today!

-------------

After watching the movie '17 again',

I'm very happy that I did watch it because it's funny and very touching as well although there were no special visual effects!

And by thinking about the question and answer, I knew that I'm a much grateful person today than before!

是时候了(1)

其实，无论什么是感觉，感情都好，

这些都只不过是在脑海里不停播放的画面而已。



当我的脑，不再播放这些画面的时候，

当初的感觉是怎样的，

当初我们之间是什么感情，

我都不清楚了，我也无法具体的记得了。



我能记住的，

只不过是一些画面，

只不过是一些我曾经用言语说出来的感受而已。

那些我没用言语表达出来的感觉，我真的无法体会到了。。。



当时真正的感受，真的是不复存在了!



有位法师曾说过，重生，其实不是指下一世我们投胎为人的时候才叫重生。

当我们活在这一秒的时候，

过去一秒的我们已经是不存在了。

因为过去一秒我们想的东西，都跟这一秒想的是不一样了。

所以我们时时刻刻都在重生!

什么情啊，爱啊，恨啊，都随着过去的一秒而不复存在了，

除非，你要你的脑海里继续的播放这些画面。

要不然，其实这一切都是空的。

全部都是因为我们的脑在作祟!



那，你要快乐，解脱，或是继续在苦海里轮回着，

就只能靠你自己怎么想了。。。



我既然能明白全都是我的脑在作祟，

那我为什么还不选择解脱，而脱离苦海呢?



我想，这是因为我还是"贪"心的!

我"贪"，

我想感受到别人所说的快感，甜蜜，快乐!

我想要让别人知道我也曾经拥有过这个，那个的!

我想要荣耀和成就感!



我不"贪"的，

就是跟以上相反的。

但我也很清楚的知道，我不"贪"的，就是我所要"贪"的必备条件!

哈哈!



我其实是知道我该要怎么做的，

只是我还在眷恋着。。。







____________________________



我，决定要解脱，不拖累别人，也不让自己继续沉迷在人间游戏里了。



能下定决心，能有勇气，拥有智慧叫自己清醒，

或许是一件会很让自己决得很不舍的事，

但我相信，我也知道，

换回来的不会是遗憾。

9/8/08

Do you know where your home is?

He used to be so independent.
He didn't really like mind so much about what I'll be doing.
And he supported me always!

Lately, after he stopped working, he started to ask lots of questions.
Asking me not to do this, not to do that.
He started to become someone I've never knew before!

Sometimes, I feel like telling him to stop minding my business!
But it would be so rude to do that, because he is my father...

It became clear to me, that a home to my father - is a place where all the family members must be present and communicate always.
Without the family members, one will feel insecure, lonely, restless, etc...
My father once told me that luckily I'm still staying in this house because I brought a lot of voice in the house ( I'm very talkative, and I talk aloud)! haha!

This does not only happen to me, it also happens to my friend too!
My friend is the only child and is working in oversea!
The mum always asking the child when will come back to hometown to work again? (each time through the phone)
---------------------------------

I can't help to think, if one day, I were to get married, to get a child, to get old, will this happen to me as well?
Feeling insecure, restless, lonely...
Waiting for my families to bring me cheer and hapiness?
---------------------------------
When there is no one beside you for some time, especially during festive seasons, how would you feel?

Feeling lonely?
Feeling insecure?

Thinking of something to do?
Thinking of somewhere to go?
Thinking of someone to talk to?

Or might be feeling very restless, pity, upset...

Is it where you are staying now, a place called house or home, is really a home to your heart?

Happy and peaceful eventhough there is no one around to bring hapiness to you?

---------------------------------

I'm starting to search for the home in my heart.
And I know where is my home.
---------------------------------

During this Chinese New Year 2009,
May all be able to find a home for the heart!

May all be well, peaceful and happy!

The inner peace...I think I found it...

During the meditation retreat,

there is no where else I can go to visit, of course, except for the main shrine hall and bodhi tree. And we should not be talking to anyone during this meditation retreat.

That's tough for me who do the talking all day long for all these years!



When there is no one to talk to, I talk to myself.

I notice how my mind think.

When I saw a lot of food, I started to think I want to eat this and eat that even before I began to put any food in my mouth!

Now, I can really see how greedy I am!



No wonder why we need to keep noble silence! haha!



When I meditate, I tried to let go of my work, my worries, my planning and etc...

It's not easy to just stop thinking of them even for 5 minutes!

But when I finally calm down, I felt really peaceful and relax!

When I finished my sitting meditation, at the moment I opened up my eyes, my mind and body felt so relax! (just about 30 minutes, I guess)

It's just about being free from thinking!



Now, I started to recall back, if I'm travelling, the experience is either exciting or boring depending on the outside world!

If its just buildings, food or whatever I'm not interested in, I will feel boring and disappointed because THEY didn't make me happy!

If the activities are interesting and fun to me, I will feel excited because THEY make me happy!

And when it's the last day, I will feel so relieve because I can go home to my bed!



During the meditation retreat, after the talk by Ajahn, we, on our own, will be either closing our eyes doing sitting meditation, or doing standing or walking meditation in the SAME environment at EVERYTIME! It's not just one hour, it's for a few days! We just watch our breath going in and out. That's all! No need to do any thinking!



How to get excitement? It's boring!

But I just wish that the retreat could be longer!



At the end of the retreat, I found that I'm happy and peaceful, because I found the inner peace within myself.

It's not any happiness or peaceful moment that I have that is provided by OTHERS!

It's my mind! When my mind at least free from all those thinking at the present moment!

I can't do anything that I'm thinking when I wasn't able to do it! So why do I need to think about it and worried about it?

I can't do anything about the future because it has not yet happend! So why do I need to think about it and worried about it?



And I finally knew that peaceful moment is to be found within oneself, it's not provided or affected by others!



Ah, peaceful at last!

--------------------------------------------

When I went to my class, my friend thought I just came from my home! She said I must be energized because I've got to rest in my home before I come to class!

I told her, actually I was coming to this class right away after the meditation retreat! And she looked so surprised!

My parents and my brother said I look happy and my face is glowing!



Well, Ajahn Brahm said we will defintely looked different after we finished the meditation retreat! Ajahn is telling the truth!



Next meditation retreat...

I know who I loved most!

Love somebody.

Love his smile,

Happy when he's happy,

Happy when we are happy together,

Like him when he makes me happy!

Just like him!

No matter whether is him or anyone,
it's always about making myself happy!



The truth is, I know that I love myself most!

Ok, it's a full stop now until I really what is the meaning of true love!

迎春

我选择了学习如何折盒子，

我选择了放弃约会的机会，
选择了不去加深对他的了解，
选择了不去尝尝甜蜜的时光。。。


我什么都想学，但我暂时还最不想学的就是: 如何经营一段恋情!
一想到对本身有利益的事时，我会推掉约会，然后朝着利益方向往前走!

我虽然会有所挣扎，但我最终还是选择了自身的利益为先!


我真的很想试试谈恋爱，我试着了，
但我就是找不到要继续谈恋爱的理由!
我可以说喜欢一个人是不需要任何理由的，
但一旦开始在一起以后，我不会这么想了。


也许我是个神经质的人吧。。。
一旦习惯了于某一件事，我就会有所思考了。。。
接踵而来的就是一萝萝的问题，疑问了。。。


我想，我可能不是真正喜欢他。
我想，我可能认清楚了自己的感觉吧!

原来，我最爱的还是我自己!


我觉得我现阶段的的感想，就像这盒子的主题，

"迎春"

咖啡店人生的温暖

在旧式咖啡店喝咖啡时，你可否有真正的留意过身边的人呢?
有些桌子是一个人坐着的，有些是整班人坐着的。
但大多数都是上了年纪的人士。

一杯咖啡，就可以消磨整个早上的时光了。

你一句，我一句，或是听听别人高谈阔论，吹水啦，想当年啦，

这样就一个早上了。

如果常来光顾那间咖啡店呢，还会认识到各个摊位的老板哦!


每次来的时候，大家还会互相打招呼。
要是一阵子没来，大家还会很关心的问候彼此呢!

这也算是一种人间的温暖吧。。。

有时还可以交换健康资讯呢!
有个客人整个星期没来了，老板问他为什么那么久没来。
他说:
"年轻的时候，老人家常劝我们别喝太多的汽水，对健康不好!
但那时还年轻，哪会相信那些老人家所说的话呢? 而且也听不进去啦!
现在可好啦，患了糖尿病。
真的是自作自受了! 我住院整个星期了!
不听老人言，吃亏在眼前!"

当然，有些也蛮爱多管闲事的!
说着，说着就会讲到得意忘形了，越讲越大声，蛮讨人厌的!
但有时候，多管闲事也会带来和谐哦!

有个老板又开始骂他的老婆了，
这时有个人就开玩笑的劝劝那位老板了，说自己多希望有个好老婆，好老婆又会帮自己，又不会跑掉! 很羡慕老板有为好老婆!
听完后，老板觉得不好意思，就快点说些话来哄老婆了。
"我哪有骂她，疼她都来不及呢!"

做老婆的也开始露出了笑容了。
多恩爱呢! 哈哈!

我有时想打包，但想到没带饭盒，就索性一个人在咖啡店吃算了，
因为这样才环保嘛! 哈哈!
就因为自己一个人在等着吃的时候，无聊嘛。。。就开始留意到周遭的人与事了(其实是八卦啦)。。。
我也习惯一个人自己吃饭的，有人陪当然最好不过了!
只不过我吃饭只是为了医肚子，所以就这样一个人也无所谓罗。。。
我最想不到的是:
在咖啡店还可以看到不同的事物，看到人生百态呢!

哈哈!

扫地

眼看还有十五分钟才上课，
我就在四周围走走。

有个人在扫地也。。。

他在那边慢慢的扫。
很专心的把落叶一一的扫干净。

看着他扫地的时候，
心里突然有一种很祥和的感觉。

生活原来可以是这么的简单。。。
那么的平静。。。

此时此刻，我把物欲一点点地放下了。。。

我希望我永远都能记住那时的心情。。。

我的样子很。。。

不知为什么的，
一直以来别人总是告诉我，

"来我教你。。。"
"你应该要这样。。。那样。。。才对。"
"我告诉你，做人一定要懂得讲话的艺术，酱办起事来才容易!"
"你千万要讲得对哦! 要不然可会被你害惨呢!"
"看不出你还会这么做，你还挺聪明的哦!"
"我可没说你笨。是你自己说的!"

要不然就拿我来开玩笑。
说一些骗话，看我有没有上当，然后又再笑我!

我给人的印象就是。。。笨!
----------------------------
但我还是蛮喜自己欢看起来笨笨的!
不用做那么多，
又有人会从旁指导指导，
哈哈!

少话题了

我在家里总是讲最多话的那一个!

我总觉得身为一家人，要多多沟通，交流交流。
这样子，彼此之间的感情才会得以维持!
也唯有这样子，才不至于把家当作是酒店!

只是最近，我觉得很奇怪。
我的话渐渐变少了。
就算讲了出来，也没有人在意。

就像刚才，妈妈回来了，便告诉我她工作的状况。
我也用心听，也有回答，也有给自己的意见。
当我告诉妈妈我的工作时，妈妈可是一点回应也没有。。。
爸爸也渐渐跟妈妈一样了。。。

我当然是伤心啦。。。

但另一方面，我也觉得有一点点轻松。
因为我不再是他们最主要的精神依靠了。。。

如果有一天，我真的想去别的地方工作，
我也不会太担心了。。。

而且我也渐渐的学习到，
只讲要紧的事就可以了，
那些无关痛痒的事，不讲都不会觉得不舒服了!!!

感觉，清晰了

如果我喜欢上某样事物，人物，
我一定会很执着于那一件事的!
而且还会维持蛮长的一段时期!

得到的话，我会很开心!
得不到的话，我会很看不开!
甚至会觉得自己很可怜!

最近，我已经开始学习注意，了解自己的心和想法了。

生气也还是会有的，但事后会检讨。
当下一次要开始生气时，就会开始控制，放下了。
当然，有时我还是会失控，乱发脾气啦!

感觉对方很可爱，就会不知不觉，也会一直去想他!
过了一两个星期，我再次试着寻回那种感觉。
我只记得画面，但已没什么感觉了!
每次都是这样。。。

对于嗜好，我很想把摄影学好，然后买那种专业用的摄影机!
看到美美的照片，我真的很希望自己有一天也会拍出有水准的照片!
由于现在自己的资金有限了，
我只好先放弃这个念头，
安慰自己先把这些美美的画面保留在记忆里吧。。。

只可以说，
我最近对自己的感觉越来越清晰了。。。

Oh no, I'm old!

Reading through the magazine, there was one column that attracted me:

Becoming a happy modern senior citizen!

Have you notice that there are a lot of senior citizen taking photos like the professionals in the park?

Have you notice that some of the senior citizen are very good at computer?

Have you notice that senior citizen started to go back to school, or pick up new skills?

I have the simptoms such as describe in the column what a happy senior citizen should do!

I'm really getting old liao!

And happy lah, of course! Haha!

Being Addicted to...!

Are you expecting replies or responses when you own one of these?

I knew I did!



Handphone:

Once I've got to look at my handphone so often because I was waiting and hoping the next reply or message would appear as soon as possible.

Even when I'm working, I just couldn't get my eyes of it!
(Yeah, I know it's not professional to do so! But...sometimes I'm just an ordinary human!)

When there was no reply at all, I would feel so upset and felt let down.
I feel so empty when it didn't beep beep anymore......


When I looked at other people getting messages so often, my feelings were even worse!



Mail: Email of course!
(I wonder if there were any people still write letters when they can email?)

When I started to use email, I was so eager to see that there would be new mails for me each time I check my inbox.

Then, I not only wanted to see mails, but I want to see mails which replies and ask me new questions.

I want to be cared for, I guess.


Blogging:

It's a new stuff I'd get to know from newspaper.
I tried blogging.

And it feels good to be able to express myself and share my feelings and thoughts with others!

Now, it's not just about expressing and sharing anymore.
I'm hoping that there will be more bloggers looking or reading through my blog.
I'm hoping to get more comments from either my friends or bloggers.
I just can't forget how happy I am when I've got a comment from you!

Once I come back from work, the first thing I'll check is my blog! Everyday!

I wouldn't deny this. Yes, I want more attention and recognition!

Should I say that I have turned all these desires into habits?

Or should I say I am a "REPLIES" ADDICT?

When you have free time, what would you be doing?

When there are new stuffs around, would you be even of thinking to try them out?

When you can't just continue what you were used to do for quite some times, what would you do then?

I'm PAKU-PAKIS

Still remember this plant, it's in the center of the tree, it has long leaves? We used to learned about it during our secondary school!

It survive or feed on other plant. But it won't harm the host plant or mother plant.

I, survive and feed on others' stories everyday!

Well, you might think that I like to gossip. Sorry, I don't like to gossip OFTEN, but OCCASIONALLY only! Hahaha......

Like paku-pakis, I absorb "nutrients" from the stories around me.

And like paku-pakis, I also get "sunshine" from the great stories surrounding me.

Be it useful or harmful "nutrients", they are my "sunshine"!


What happen if I lack of "essential nutrients" or I hunger for more "nutrients"?


I will let go my "spores" to new plants! And grow on the new plants!


Let the new cycle begin!